Sometimes the moon (and the rest of us) outshine our shadows. Sometimes the shadows dull the shine. Sometimes the shadows are so thick & heavy even the light has a hard time coming through. But mostly we find the light shining always. No matter the shadows and clouds.
April 17, 2016
You follow me faithfully like a puppy in love, but I know better. You are the thoughts and acts of my past that won’t leave me, nothing to do with love. Just like a real shadow in the late hours of sunlight, you lay long and attach yourself to my feet with no way to let go. Most of my life I have run from you, thinking that’s the only way to get far away from you and the past that you bring up. But of course you are attached and there is never an escape. I would seek out cloudy dark days so that I couldn’t see you – and I stayed in my cloudy fog for years to avoid you but this led only to deeper fears, constant crying and self hatred. I missed the sunshine of life somethin’ fierce. Realizing this, I slowly came out of my mask of depression. I came forward to meet and greet the bright sun god. I had to turn and look and of course there you were. I’ve learned to invite you in for conversation and it’s been interesting. I can’t say I like you any better, but I’ve learned you aren’t to be feared. You are all the past and I’m done with you. I can’t let you go because you stay attached to me, you are a part of me. I’m learning to accept your darkness and as I have, you’ve excepted my light. You’ve become a part of me that I see no reason to fear. Past is past. You have not ruled anything, you never have (even when I thought otherwise) and never will. You are like history – to learn by so as not to repeat mistakes. You have become a blessing to me, a teacher. Yeah, yeah, I still get captured by your net thrown over me. I get caught up in all those stories of my past and I just know you are gleeful when I do… but it’s not for long anymore. I don’t seek out fog and clouds to fade you out. If anything I cry out for brighter bluer skies and sun so brilliant there is no hiding anywhere. Except behind me, like the Past is. Eternally behind me where I have to actually twist and turn to see what’s been left behind. You are invited to come with me, follow me and watch me grow forward in love and life. Just as long as you stay behind me like my past does with every sunrise.
April 2, 2016
You are my dream come true, you are the love of my life. You are what I thought of for all the years of rentals and small spaces traveling days and moving and moving and moving. You would be the one to stop me in my tracks and allow me to take deep breaths and finally say I’m Home. Still in our very first year together I’m in the giddy love stage. I’m still pinching myself. This is home? How did I pull this off? I am still bringing my life into yours, we will meld together, you & I. You have your old ways & I have mine. I will fix you where you hurt so that you can brave the seasons as they come and go. You will shelter me as I sit still on your lap and look across the grass and into the eyes of Grandmother trees. When the rains come I will listen to the creek giggle as it flows through your bellowing skirt. Home, I am so in love with you and all that you give to the creatures that wander over your belly. I’m sure the reason you showed up for me is that I’m finally ready to receive all you offer and able to offer all you need from me.
April 2, 2016
Why are you so fleeting, why do you blur your edges? What makes you so hard to find in my heart, yet when I find you there, you are dancing with delight and it seems as if you were never gone? When I was younger you came & went with such power. You left me and denied me for so long I thought I’d never see you again. Now older and wiser I realize you never left at all. You live here in my heart and always have. If I would only invite you out more often, perhaps you wouldn’t run and hide. Perhaps you wouldn’t blur your edges so much.
February 11, 2016
February 11, 2016